Main Street Cinema attraction poster, 1950s.
spy kids is on
Portrait of a Young Woman, Jean-Etienne Liotard
Girl with a Pearl Earring, Johannes Vermeer
#they look like theyve been having a chat about u and u just walked in
someone’s gonna come in and make a comment about how the painting on the left didn’t become as famous bc the subject’s black and it’s going to be the whole statue of liberty thing all over again
i think i’m okay with leaving.
for now, at least.
the people here are great, but i’m saying this in the most wholehearted way possible that i need time away from them. things aren’t the same as they were. i messed up with a lot of good people.
time is the only solution right now. but that’s the thing. i don’t let go. i can’t. if there’s a recurring pattern to the high school fuckups i’m trying to escape, it’s that I hold on too tight. maybe living on the other side of the continent — 2890 miles away — for four months, four years, the rest of my life as i know it, will force me to do that.
i’m not giving up on these people or my life here forever. i’m just taking a break. or, rather, the other way around.
someone once said that growing up is when you visit your parents’ house — what used to be “home” — and realizing that’s not home anymore, home is where you’re visiting from and where you’ll return in two weeks or however long you’re seeing your folks. if all goes to plan, california is my home now. but i’ll be back from time to time.
going away will also give me an opportunity to reinvent myself. i had both good and bad times in high school. who doesn’t. but i blame the bad times on who i was — maybe not blame, but at least attach them to that “kieran” persona. now i have a clean slate.
i noticed this year that both of the girls i liked over the twelfth grade happened to be “new kids” coming from different schools. i don’t think that’s entirely why i crushed on them, but i wouldn’t call it a coincidence. when you’re flirting with the new kid they don’t have the predisposition of who you used to be. you get to introduce yourself as someone new without your old mistakes trailing behind.
that’s what i’m hoping for this coming year. not just with girls, but with everyone. even with myself from an academic standpoint. people won’t know who i was, so i can be someone new now.
it will take some getting used to, but it’s been a good run.
it always annoyed me when people criticized actors or musicians for taking on a new style after a while, wanting the “old x back”. if you liked them so much, then you can just enjoy their earlier work. it’s still there. for the rest of us, they change. it’s ephemeral.
i’ll try out this new style, this new life. i’m excited to see how it works out, for better or for worse.
and if it doesn’t work out, it still isn’t goodbye quite yet.